El Nino: Round One! FIGHT!

I found a site that streams the best of old Art Bell Coast to Coast episodes, and I like to listen from time to time. Believe it or not, there was a time when Coast to Coast wasn't just one long rambling disaster.

I didn't catch when this particular show was from, but I'm assuming it was sometime in the mid-nineties. It was open lines for a bit, and then the guest came on. I wasn't really paying attention, so I don't know what his deal was exactly. At some point, he mentioned that he was in a terrible car accident that should have decapitated him. He was thrown 250 feet backwards, and the top of the car was completely removed from the vehicle. I guess the funny thing was that some kind of argument ensued with emergency personell when they were trying to put him in a body bag and he suddenly came to.

So, at that point I was listening. He had my attention. The guest started to say that he had left his body. I was expecting him to relate that he got some kind of message from the other side, that he walked into a white light, that he had an overwhelming sense of peace -- all of the things associated with the phenomenon of a near-death experience.

Instead -- and let me state that his voice didn't change in the slightest -- he went on to say "I fought and defeated El Nino. I beat the rain. Oh, it'll be back someday, don't doubt that. But I went into the heart of El Nino, and I beat it."

Wow. Somebody needs to make that into an inspirational poster and hang it in every office across America.

I think Betty White is some kind of superhero sent from the future.

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ROBOCOP!

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Looks like somebody had to do the Divine Ritual of Robocop.

Cthulhu is a lot like Jello.

WOO!

And it was all downhill from there.

 

 

This sentence I've read thirty times is fantastic.

(Why do people feel the need to start conversations whenever they see a person reading a book? They're usually pointless conversations, too. I don't care about that place from which you purchased ice cream in a waffle cone half a week ago. In fact, I hope it gets devoured by Smokey the Bear. Yeah, I said it. Smokey the Bear. That guy doesn't fuck around.)

This is probably where the Suicide Mouse creepypasta came from.

 

WAIT - Very Demotivational - The Demotivational Posters Blog.

There are no words for this.

 

Now with 10% more delusion.

 

Let's be fair here. "Christian" doesn't necessarily mean "too stupid to recall anything from an elementary science class", but there is no excuse to be a total goddamn dumbass.

In Search Of

 

 

Sean Phillips: In Search Of...

When I was a kid, the single thing I looked forward to most on days when I was home sick from school was not the reprieve from math class. It was reruns of the Leonard Nimoy-narrated In Search Of, a show that covered topics ranging from (but not limited to) UFOs, Bigfoot, and playing crappy acid rock to plants. It appeared to be produced by the same people who made the original Clash of the Titans in the sense that the production quality was pretty bad, and there would be a random episode that would announce the date it had been made. "Wait. 1986? Really? Wow. This whole time I've been thinking that a bunch of stoners in like 1974 put this show together in an orange van while listening to Frank Zappa's Joe's Garage album on a record player in the back."

Everything about that program was terrifically horrible, down to the white turtlenecks that Leonard Nimoy wore. I mean, just look at this shit:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIvFI82uac0

It's like the original BBC Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy series goes out one night with Coast to Coast AM and has a three-way with a time-travelling Delorean, and the result was a school filmstrip that only belongs at the beginning of a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. The only thing missing is the high-pitched tone that indicates when the lucky student gets to advance the film.

Oh, In Search Of. You've abducted and probed my heart in ways mere mortals can only imagine.

Teeny Little Super Danzing!

 

 

I found this on by buddy Gena's blog (which you should totally be reading).

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This is what happens when I don't sleep.

Flying bear kills two Canadians in freak accident - Yahoo! News

Flying bear kills two Canadians in freak accident - Yahoo! News.

This is how it starts. The bears are rising up, and they're going to kill us all.